For generations, mothers have been told, both openly and covertly, that there is one correct way to be a mother, it is a “fluid and shifting” construct that is constantly evolving (Ross, 2006).  The idealized version of motherhood “imagines simply that women naturally bear and rear children and that, for the most part, they perform these functions in a state of unquestionable joy” (Ross, 2006). In Western culture, this is often called “Good Mothering” and usually expects women to be selfless, tireless, ever‑present, emotionally attuned, endlessly patient, and always available for their children. The Good Mother who parented during the Victorian era looks much different from the classic stay-at-home mothers from the 1940’s and 1950’s, who’s mothering expectations differ from present day “intensive mothers.”  According to Ross (2006), “women’s lives are complicated, not simplified, by the prospect and reality of motherhood.” Good Mothering is a cultural creation that is so historically and deeply embedded in society that many mothers don’t even realize they’re performing it until they find themselves exhausted, burnt-out or pathologized as mad.  Good Mothers are not misfits or deviants and neither are the children they produce.

Intensive Mothering

By today’s standards, Good Mothers are held responsible for following “expert” advice to ensure their children are happy, well-behaved, emotionally regulated, and conforming; they participate in extracurricular activities, attend school regularly, live in picture-perfect homes, eat nutritious and home cooked meals, engage in enriching and educational family outings and perform well academically. This intensive-parenting style is thought to produce the “best outcomes” for our children’s future success and social capital in adulthood, but comes at a cost, the good mother’s well-being (sources). Our society values citizens who are independent, productive and pay the highest taxes. These are the people with the most influence, power and freedom in our capitalist and neoliberal communities. Baraitser (2016) notes that “the brutalities of the last four decades of neoliberal economic policies in the global north take a particular toll on women who mother, producing often complicated and contradictory discourses about responsibility and freedom that in turn have an impact on how we understand ourselves as ethical or caring subjects.” As the wealth gap widens, the pressure to be a Good and Intensive Mothers while also being “productive” citizens is making women mad. It feels like our children’s future privilege and success depends on our self-sacrifice.

The Emotional Toll of Trying to Be a “Good Mother”

Forbes et al., (2021) found that mothers experience 4 intersecting conflicts as they try to be intensive parents:

• Not being able to achieve their construct of the “ideal mother”
• Balancing an unmanageable load of roles and responsibilities, leading to overload
• Living with gendered inequity in household and parenting labour
• Physical and emotional consequences of deferring their own needs

As Gunderson and Barrett (2017) reaffirms, intensive mothering requires mothers to provide high levels of emotional support to their children, often at the expense of their own wellbeing. Ross (2006) also argues that the unrealistic expectations of modern Good Mothering ideology are deeply harmful. When mothers inevitably fall short of these unattainable ideals, their emotional distress is too often pathologized and treated as an individual psychological failure rather than as a normal response to impossible demands.

Good Mothering is a Dangerous and Ableist Ideal

“Ableism is the discrimination of and social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that typical abilities are superior” (Eisenmenger, 2019). 

Good Mothering is a disabling and ableist ideology: it assumes that mothers have unlimited emotional, physical, intellectual, and financial resources. It demands constant availability, endless emotional labour, and continual self‑sacrifice without breaking. It leaves no room for deviance and misfittings such as disability, chronic illness, neurodivergence, trauma, addiction, queerness, indigeneity, racialization, poverty or simply being human. Good Mothering is not just exhausting, it is maddening! When women struggle to be Good Mothers under these pressures, they are framed as the problem.  Despite the significant emotional toll of intensively parenting, mothers are often told to simply “redefine motherhood for themselves” (Forbes et al., 2021).  While likely intended to be an empowering and helpful sentiment, the problem with this advice is that it continues to place the responsibility for change back onto mothers instead of recognizing or changing the very systems that are pressuring them.

While redefining motherhood is part of the solution, new frameworks such as “Good Enough Mothering,” “Misfit Mothering,”
“Sovereign Mothering,” and “Struggling Good Mothering” are emerging as more inclusive parenting frameworks that challenge our dominant Good Mothering ideology but social and systemic changes must also take place to truly create meaningful change and make mothering a more accessible and less oppressive role. 

Resisting and Redefining Motherhood

Guided by the knowledge and wisdom that has been gifted to us by the 7 generations of mothers who came before us and being mindful of the 7 generations of mothers who will come after us, it is our responsibility to resist social norms that do not collectively serve us as we contribute to the ever-evolving narrative of motherhood for women, children and families of the future. Social norms significantly inform and influence the systemic policies and legislation that take advantage of the free labour and positive outcomes that Good Mothers contribute to society.